need another drink. this is the easiest way
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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