Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Randomize
