That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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