i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
