break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize