my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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