everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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