i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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