Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
