i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Randomize
