I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
