Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
