The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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