Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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