I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
