fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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