The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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