At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
