i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
