You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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