whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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