WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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