I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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