you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
