i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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