my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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