what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
