Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
