I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
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