wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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