you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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