I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
We need to rekindle our bromance
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Well I just put wine in my tea
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
