I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
