So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
