I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
