I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
