shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
