I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
