he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
