I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
