sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
