i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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