I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
