I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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