Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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