I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
tonight lets celebrate not being married
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
