Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
