do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
He has the fingertips of a God
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
