New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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