There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
