I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
