Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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