you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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