remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
