Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
